My sweet boy...
You are one!!
And oh, how the time has flown by-like every momma says. I want to go back and relive every moment slowly- except the ones that everyone told me would suck before I had you. I don't miss driving you around for hours at 3 a.m. And breastfeeding was way harder than I anticipated. I don't miss trying to decode what all of your cries meant. But I do miss your sleepy milk-drunk smiles. And how blobby you were. Like, you were literally a vaguely human shaped blob. But you were the cutest blob!!
A week or so before you were born I wrote in my journal as a last ditch effort at being nostalgic i.e. recording the "special moments" that are supposed to come along with being pregnant. It should be noted that I never write in journals, despite my good intentions so you know it was about to get real. What came out on the page was hard and sad and beautiful all at the same time. Today seems like a good day to look back.
Hello Little Man!
It's your mama, writing to you in the future! Right now you are nestled all snuggly inside my tummy...As I write this letter I ask myself: what do I want my son to know about the last nine months? Do I want you to know about all of the moments where it felt like the world and all of our new responsibility would crush us? Or do I want you to only know abut the moments we spent excitedly anticipating who you would be? Like most things, this journey has fallen somewhere between those two extremes. It has been both exhausting and exhilarating; terrifying and fulfilling.
Daddy and I are young, and some days I am paralyzed by fear at the thought that I might absolutely destroy this whole parenting thing.
When your dad and I first saw that glowing plus sign on the pregnancy test, we were shocked! I think I laughed. Dad sat down quietly on the bed. Terrified doesn't come close to how we were feeling.
But you know something amazing? We were both sure from that moment, that we were grateful for the blessing that is you! I knew in my heart, soul, and bones that you were to be our baby.
We have had to have so much faith along this journey, Gavin. And having faith sometimes hurts. We started this process, and have lived much of it, on faith alone. Until a few months ago we had absolutely no income and every open door seemed to slam shut in our face. Sometimes the fear and shame we felt were debilitating. But we continued to have faith and accept the love and support others offered us, and after a lot of perseverance Daddy got a job! He is such a hard worker- and he never complains. He is so, so excited to meet you Gav.
God has absolutely provided for us and made this blessing (you!) possible.
We want to give you every possible gift and lesson that life has to offer-it is hard to remember that some of those gifts and lessons you will have to learn on your own.
Some of my very favorite moments are the times that Daddy and I have spent talking about the kind of parents we want to be, and the ideas we have for our family life. You know what we want most of all? A happy boy! Actually, let me rephrase that- A healthy boy. Not just in the physical sense, but int the spiritual and emotional sense. We want you to know that it is perfectly okay to not be happy all the time. It's okay to be angry, scared, anxious, resentful, and apathetic- to name a few! All of your feelings are okay to have! And they do not need to define you or dictate the choices you make.
You can be both unhappy and content.
At 23 years old. I am just learning this lesson- and it is a lesson I have only truly began to grasp while growing you.
So the truth about the last nine months is that it has been an absolute melting pot of tears (both happy and sad), faith, perseverance, doubt, anger, resentment, and acceptance. But most of all- we have loved. We have loved fiercely. We have loved each other, and we have always loved you. And in times when we felt so broken, lost, and confused, others have loved us and guided us back to faith.
I hope that someday life gives you the blessing in disguise that allows you to have your own experience like this-and that one day you will have your own letter to write.
XOXOXXOOO,
Mama
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pea, you are all that we could have ever hoped you'd be and so, so much more. You are sweet, kind, gentle, intelligent, and observant. You love to give kisses almost as much as you love to eat. You're a tiny explorer- always up for an adventure with your momma and daddy at a moments notice. You've changed my heart forever, and you've showed me how to love a side of myself I didn't even know I had. There will never be any way for me to repay you for the gift you've been to me- so I hope you accept kisses, forever and for always. Because as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.
